This week I tried an experiment where I just told God what was happening. I didn’t really even spiritualize it. I just told him stuff as it happened. “God, I’m worried about the conversation I have to have with X person later.” “My muscles are sore from working out yesterday.” “I like the way the bricks on that building look.” “My lips are getting chapped.”
I just told him stuff. I just acknowledged that he existed. I don’t normally do that.
Sammy Adebiyi put it well. Why I don’t believe in prayer? Because I don’t pray. If I believed in the kind of prayer Jesus spoke of, I’d hardly be able to stop.
I do pray pretty often, but I find myself praying like I don’t believe in it. I pray to look spiritual, to transition in a conversation, because I don’t know how else to end a meeting, because David is asking me to or something.
I don’t think this is how Jesus prayed, but I also don’t think God has a tally in heaven keeping track of when I did or did not pray before I ate a meal. (What about a light snack, does that count? Should I pray again if I eat seconds?) No, God is not giving me a grade for my prayers.
He spoke the universe into existence.
He holds the entire cosmos in the palm of his hands.
He is unstoppable.
He is always good.
His glory at full blast would kill us.
He has no beginning or end. He’s the first and the last.
Anyway, as for this week’s experiment, it very quietly changed everything. I have lots of friends, a great relationship with my family, about to graduate from MSU, and am marrying the most desirable man alive. But on the inside, I feel unavoidably completely miserable. It took me a while to figure out the reason, but it’s that I can’t hear God telling me he loves me. So I just decided to start talking to him more. I can hardly stop. I love prayer. If I didn’t pray for one day, I would lose my mind.
It’s a process.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I had stumbled on your blog via Pintrest and started navigating it & I really like it! When I saw the title for this post it somewhat caught me off guard after reading about the fact that you love Jesus Christ. I can completely relate in feeling like I have “empty nothing prayers” and sometimes, more than often feeling I can’t hear God saying he loves me. When I read the bible and see how people prayed back then or read David’s prayers and praises in Psalms, I feel so inadequate as though I couldn’t possibly measure up nevermind even have such an amazing God hear my lame excuse for prayers. I am then reminded of Matthew 10:29-31 where Christ speaks of our worth! His love for us is unfathomable and he urges us to pray without ceasing, and he already knows what we’re gonna say before we say it and the truth is He wants to hear it! He loves us all, and shows it in countless ways and he wants us to show our love for him as well however we can! When I have these feelings of doubt, I just read scripture and pray as there is AMAZING power in prayer…. all prayers, big or small! I don’t know if this helps at all, I just felt urged to comment… Pray & be confident in each & every one of them!
I really appreciate this post. It is difficult for me to set aside specific time for prayer. Instead, I pray while I’m driving, while I’m out on a jog, or even eating breakfast. What a gift it is to be able to speak directly to Christ! Also, I had the recurring revelation while reading your post that even a seemingly fantastic life apart from God is really not a fantastic life at all. So thank you for the reminder!
That’s so true, Anna. Thanks!
Try praying ACTS! It helped me to gain a more “formal” prayer time that I was craving!!! I don’t do this at EVERY prayer. But once a day, during my quiet time, or devotions, I focus on this type of prayer. The rest of my day is quiet conversations or comments, like your examples above. If anything it has taught me to pray for OTHERS more than myself!
http://www.prayerguide.org.uk/actsmodel.htm
thank you amanda! great idea.
xo
rach
It sounds like you are saying that you are not interested in “formal” prayer. But, prayer is just talking to God. Prayer really isn’t a formula or pre-written stuffy or lengthy ordeal. You seem to be saying you talk to God a lot, so… you do pray and you do believe in prayer (talking to God) in the end?
I very much admire your honesty and sharing your heart about feeling completely miserable in the midst of what on the outside appears to be wonderful. Figuring out that it is caused by “not being able to hear God telling you He loves you” is so touching. I am sure many others can agree. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you! I appreciate the encouragement. God is so patient with me.
xo
rach
I loved this. I love your voice. Keep blogging.
Thanks buttons. means a lot from you