26 QUESTIONS TO GET A MARRIAGE TALKING

December 11, 2012 · 38 comments

in God, Rach's Life

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I don’t think insightful people always have all the right answers, but really, the right questions. When someone asks me a question I would never ask myself, they are doing something God can use to change me. They embody both Christ and the Holy Spirit.

First, as Christ they bring sight to blind eyes. The Bible addresses the darkest places of human experience. Questions help me see how the Bible explains my circumstances. Secondly, as the Holy Spirit, good questions can bring me to new levels or repentance, just like the Spirit, which shows us our sin and leads us to Christ.

These questions are from an excellent book I am nearly finished reading titled Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul David Tripp. Here are several revealing, open-ended questions about marriage that “cannot be answered without a person disclosing what he is thinking, what he wants, and what he is doing.”

The BEST biblical questions for a marriage I have ever read

  1. What things did you see in this person that made you want to marry him?
  2. What were your goals for your marriage when you were engaged?
  3. What things in your marriage make you sad?
  4. What things in your marriage make you happy?
  5. If you could press a button and change your marriage, how would it change?
  6. In what ways do you think God is honored in your marriage?
  7. How would you characterize your communication with your spouse?
  8. Describe how you and your spouse arrive at decisions.
  9. Describe how you as a couple resolve conflicts.
  10. How would you describe your spiritual life as a couple?
  11. Are there couples you look up to? What do you respect about their marriages?
  12. Why do you think you have struggled as a couple?
  13. What do you see as the strengths in your marriage?
  14. What do you see as the weaknesses in your marriage?
  15. What do you think you need to do as a couple to get from where you are to where you need to be?
  16. Describe the marriage of your dreams.
  17. What could your spouse do to greatly change you marriage?
  18. What problems in your marriage do you see as your responsibility?
  19. What do you think God is doing in your marriage right now?
  20. What do you think keeps you as a couple from solving your problems?
  21. Describe how your marriage has changed over the years.
  22. When you are hurt or angry with your spouse, what do you do?
  23. How do you communicate dissatisfaction with your spouse?
  24. Pick one area of your marriage where you think you have problems. Describe what is wrong and what each of you have done to solve it.
  25. In what ways have you attempted to communicate love and appreciation to your spouse?
  26. What are the biggest hot buttons in your marriage?

My prayer is this might serve as a starting point to get great conversation going within your marriage. Or maybe, with a married friend needing help. Dave and I will be working our way through them together too! Maybe one question each night after dinner?

If you’d like to check out some other posts like this, I suggest Jesus & Physical Fitness, and A Word About Our Wedding.

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Christina August 12, 2013 at 4:50 am

Thank you for this! I found this post via Pinterest as well. My husband and I have only been married for 8 months (we are 19 and 20) but have been together for 4.5 years. We have good communication still, but these questions are going to be able to open up a beautiful place for us! If you and your hubby get the chance, order The Blessed Marriage by Robert Morris – it is life changing!!

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Kirsten July 31, 2013 at 9:29 pm

Thank you so much for this list. Its sparked inspiration for my husband’s next underway (he’s a submariner) We may have something substantial to talk about now ;)

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Edward A. Bradley July 17, 2013 at 3:55 am

Thank you so much Rachel. My wife and I teach a monthly Newlywed Class at our church. I am always looking for good material. I happened upon your site and was able to incorporate some questions to help the group. My website is just for a book I wrote on Fatherhood, the role of a father. It is christian family book. Anyway I do appreciate your ministry. After 33 years of marriage, one must continue to grow, develop and learn. Thanks again and may the Lord bless your life!!!

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Anna June 21, 2013 at 12:31 pm

I was saying about if it is good or bad to marrieage?

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Carrie May 11, 2013 at 4:51 am

I’ve been married just north of 3 years. I’m always on the hunt for good marriage advice. This has to be one of the greatest list of questions I have ever come across! What great wisdom & insight the Lord has given you! Thank you for sharing.

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Rachel Schultz May 11, 2013 at 1:15 pm

That’s great! Thanks.

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jamee April 29, 2013 at 3:33 am

I found this post via pinterest and I am so glad I did! We celebrate 8 year of marriage next month and during our years of marriage I have had 5 different surgeries (the one last summer was the worst by far – it was under complete emergency circumstance and left me in the hospital for 3 weeks) and know I am unable to work and fighting for disability. It is a lot to take on. We are doing our best to press on. But our communication skills have definitely taken a hit so these questions will be a great way to get us talking about the deeper things again. Thank you so much for sharing these!

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Rachel Schultz April 29, 2013 at 3:18 pm

You’re welcome! Thanks for writing, Jamee.

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teresa April 3, 2013 at 5:29 am

I have been married for 1 1/2 years. There is no communication and no intimacy in our marriage. We desperately need help. Any suggestions???

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Rachel Schultz April 3, 2013 at 2:42 pm

Teresa, I’m sad to hear that. My heart goes out to you. It’s so hard to give a suggestion, not knowing anything about you or your spouse. One thing that I’ve learned in our marriage is that I can only be responsible for myself, so if I want a change I need to start with me. I am praying for you and your husband.

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Stephanie April 23, 2013 at 3:01 am

Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Helps both sides recognize their contributions to the problem and offers principles for change.

How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich
Amazing insight into why you act the way you do.

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Sarah April 24, 2013 at 12:55 am

Teresa,

Try to be friends with your spouse and do something you both enjoy — even if it’s just finding a TV series on Netflix that you both like and watch the whole thing in one sitting! Or a video game you can play together. Or something, anything that you can enjoy together. Cook him a delicious meal or take a hot bath together. In your time together, make sure you are showered and clean and smell nice, so when that moment comes you are ready! Whatever it is that makes you feel loved and him too. Everyone is different and every marriage is too. Keep praying, and seek God and you will find Him.

Love and peace,
Sarah

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Christina August 12, 2013 at 4:51 am

The Blessed Marriage by Robert Morris will change your life!

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Christina March 4, 2013 at 4:04 am

Hi there , I have a question …… I am recently married however my marriage has undergone great difficulty . What do you do if you feel you have made a mistake and married the wrong person ? Things that you thought we’re interesting about them turned out to be not the real them . We are both Christians and I am happy to say I’m getting my life back on track but I don’t think he wants this anymore ? What would you suggest ?

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Rachel Schultz March 4, 2013 at 5:14 pm

Christina, thanks for writing. I think an important thing to remember is that he IS the right person BECAUSE you married him. God put you with him for a reason. Marriage is an opportunity to grow through difficulties. Thanks again for writing!

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Anonymous March 5, 2013 at 6:56 pm

What if the reason is different than staying with him… what if it was to learn more about yourself… and bring you to a place you never knew was suppose to be there.

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Anonymous March 7, 2013 at 7:51 pm

I think as a Christian you should try every single option before ending your marriage. God is in favor of your marriage. Your vows was a promise to your spouse and GOD. I understand how it feels when you find out things that you loved about your husband were actually lies but then you have to take time to find more things about him that you are in love with.

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ann April 2, 2013 at 3:45 pm

I feel really sad that you would want anyone to stay in a relationship with someone that does anything but makes them happy! I have a hard time believing that god would want you to be miserable and with someone who portrayed themselves as someone else. This is the logic that has thousands of women staying in abusive homes, beaten on a regular basis. If you have tried and he is out of it why should your entire life be miserable and nothing but you holding onto something someone else let go of?!

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Rachel Schultz April 2, 2013 at 9:54 pm

Ann, thanks for writing. This comment did not mention anything about physical violence and that, of course, shaped my answer. Also, God’s purpose of marriage isn’t to make us happy, but instead holy – growing and changing us through our spouse. God is not subject to our flawed human notions of what seems right or fair.

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Crystal February 1, 2013 at 4:56 am

This is nice and so simple but definitely a way to get your marriage talking! Thank you!

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Rachel Schultz February 11, 2013 at 8:31 pm

You’re welcome!

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LuAnn Braley January 23, 2013 at 7:37 am

I found the graphic and link to this post and your blog on the “A Biblical Marriage” group on Pinterest, which I found on the blog Auntie Em’s Guide to Life.

Thought provoking questions to be sure. My husband and I met online in an rpg. We weren’t even in the same state at the time. Now, nearly 20 years later, we are together and have added 3 kids to the mix. I will enjoy bringing these questions to my husband as we continue the work on our marriage. Thank you for this resource.

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Rachel Schultz February 11, 2013 at 8:43 pm

That’s great. You’re welcome!

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Molly January 10, 2013 at 2:11 am

Thank you for posting these questions online. It has definitely made me evaluate things. I’ve just started dating a guy and so far we have the same goals and ideas about keeping God first and living for Him. Do you have any suggestions about staying focused on God while growing a new relationship? Or how to build a spiritual life together? This is the first true Christian boy I’ve dated and so keeping God at the center is a new challenge for me.

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Rachel Schultz January 10, 2013 at 11:24 pm

Molly, thanks for writing. My best suggestion would be to focus on your own personal relationship with God – studying his word, prayer with him, and your community with other female believers. When that is a priority in your life and your spouse/boyfriend/fiance’s too, I think you have a foundation for a strong spiritual life together. Also, never settle!

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Tracy January 1, 2013 at 7:00 pm

I find your blog and all of your posts so inviting, inspirational, and thought provoking. Thank You for posting this! My husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for almost 23 years. I think these guestions and guidelines for thought are great for any couple at any time in their marriage. I really look forward to 2013 and all you’re going to bring to your readers. Best Regards, Tracy

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Rachel Schultz January 10, 2013 at 11:39 pm

Thanks, Tracy! That’s great to hear.

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Lisa Burger December 23, 2012 at 7:50 am

Love Tripp books! Found this link on Pinterest, thx for this post!
Much Love sister ;)

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Rachel Schultz January 10, 2013 at 11:44 pm

You’re welcome. And thank YOU.

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Lindsey December 13, 2012 at 5:58 pm

LOVE THIS!!!!!!

I’m a new reader and I just adore your blog!

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Rachel Schultz December 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Thanks Lindsey!! :)

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Annie December 11, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I am wondering how you were able to initiate a conversation with your husband previous to being married about God? Was God always a foundation in your relationship or did you find that you shared similar values further into your relationship?

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Rachel Schultz December 13, 2012 at 8:50 pm

God was central to David and I as individuals before we met, and now as couple in our marriage. Bringing God glory through Christ was something we were upfront with as being a goal to us in our dating relationship. And it impacted everything. Thanks for the question!

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Gabriela Pereida December 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

NICE! I have been married 13 years and I still pray that my marriage – with GOD as our foundation – continue to grow, mature, and get better each and every passing day. These are GREAT questions, I will definitely be sharing with the hubby. Thanks for sharing!

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Rachel Schultz December 13, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Thanks Gabriela! I’m so glad it was helpful to you and your marriage.

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