Dear Rachel, I’m loving this series. It is giving me such encouragement and so much to think about. Question for you, my husband is super busy at work. He travels every week, Monday through Friday works fourteen hours a day, including five or six hours most weekends. He works SO HARD for us. I can’t believe how lucky I am. He’s made it clear that he wants me in control of the house and homeschooling our daughter, which is such an honor. He would be completely content if I ran everything from her curriculum, to our events, to scheduling family Bible time, to running any charitable events. He says that he totally trusts me and that I’m helping him so much by letting him not have to think about it since his work is so intense. He is always willing to work through questions I have or guidance I need. But he doesn’t really initiate providing wisdom or shepherding me.

My question for you is, is there ever too much control that a woman has over her kids and home, even when her husband has given her the permission to do so? Sometimes I feel bad that he’s not involved in some things, but he’s really reassuring that this is what he wants from me. And I never want to burden him, because he’s really doing so much for us already.

Sincerely,
Too Much Control?

Dear Too Much Control?,

First, identify if you have low grade self pity that runs through your life on this matter. Maybe other husbands’ leadership approaches would be much more involved on homeschooling type questions, but cheerfully accept that what your husband finds helpful is a wife that is very self sufficient for these choices. If you resolve to put away any self pity, I think you can be wonderfully discerning and his dream girl.

On the surface level, you are saying you do not want control; you do not want to decide the details of homeschool and training your daughter. However, underneath I actually think your root problem is you are insisting on control. You are tempted to become the arbiter of the “correct” amount of fatherly involvement. I think you fear your upbringing your daughter will go wrong if you make a mistake in decisions, or if he didn’t speak into family matters the amount you think was right. Instead, trust him. Trust his judgments. A wife who does not trust her husband is typically crippled with fear. It is because she is trying to handle things outside of her jurisdiction. When women do this routinely they are anxious and exhausted as a way of life.

Do not fantasize about how another real or imagined husband would be. Dismiss temptations to covet quickly. A wife can cover so many of her husband’s shortcomings, when he does indeed have them. This blesses the children greatly. (And from what you shared I certainly don’t think it’s automatically clear he sins here.) I would not advise trying to manage if he proactively shepherds without being asked “enough.” Rise to this occasion and your daughter will grow up with a great education and honoring her father. And you will have an intimate marriage, in love with and adoring your husband. Dwell on his strengths often. Pray for your husband that God would always give him wisdom and clarity in his leadership choices in the home, then keep moving under his style.

Because of what he has communicated to you, distill any questions into clear and precise ones on central matters when you need clarifying information from him. Ask them respectfully, without bitterness, and considering his time constraints from work he has voiced to you.

Ask your husband if there is an older woman at church who is a part of a family who operates in a way that matches his vision. If needed, ask if you would have his blessing to seek to be mentored by her on finer points questions you have of mothering and schooling.

Tell him you want to figure out all these matters as he has requested, and do what helps him. Ask for prayer for temptations of anxiety or self pity. Pray for wisdom and decisiveness for yourself. ♥️

This post is part of the mail bag series. You can submit a question on femininity by dm on instagram or e-mailing [email protected].