A pagan wrote a book with more truth about God’s design for women (albeit flawed) than many evangelicals. 🌻 This is a review of “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle. The heart of Laura’s message in The Surrended Wife is for wives to stop trying to control everything in the home. This is a mantra for herself during the day. She summarizes in a shorter way by simply reminding herself: surrender.
This led to her to create a “Surrendered Wives” movement and workshop. It seems it thrived for a time around 1999 to 2001. I am not sure what became of it or what she thinks of what she wrote 25 years ago. There is some great content here and a lot of cracks as well. The cracks make it so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s somewhere else entirely on her view of marriage and femininity today.
She is vaguely monotheistic, but really interfaith as well, so she is not a model for us in most ways. Let’s discuss what she got right.
Laura rightly observes that women’s marriage problem is grasping for control. It is actually how we try to survive. She defines a surrendered wife as one who rather:
- Relinquishes control of her husband
- Respects her husbands thinking
- Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for them
- Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
- Relies on him to handle household finances
- Is vulnerable where she used to nag
- Respects where she used to demean
- Is grateful where she used to be dissatisfied
FEAR AND CONTROL
“If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize, and conquer a husband, then you are reacting to your fears. Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome you do not need to try to dominate, manipulate, or control it.”
It is when you respect your husband that you can actually enjoy intimacy.
“When you let him know you don’t think he’ll make good decisions, he reverts to his boyhood ways and makes a mental note to give up to some degree, because he can never meet your standards. He may even agree with you subconsciously, and retreat from the activity entirely.”
Some men are more lone wolves than others. But, when I see a man who becomes more and more reclusive, I expect his wife is a firehose of criticism. “When men feel disrespected, they withdraw.”
Many women simply need to value their marriage more. This makes it easier to not make a nagging comment because you’ve come to love the intimacy and peace of a night together.
“Dominating a situation, however ungraciously, somehow made me feel grounded and safe in an unpredictable world. Finally, as I tried to give up my unpleasant behavior, I learned to dig a little deeper when my urge to control came up and simply say I was afraid. It wasn’t until I discovered my ‘trust muscles’ and started exercising them that I started to get the connection I always wanted.”
She recommends making ‘whatever you think’ a well worn phrase to your husband, and “if you don’t make a big deal about his mistakes, he’ll begin to take initiative in every area.”
MEN LOVE TO PROVIDE
“If you think your happiness is a low priority for your husband, you’re dead wrong. He’s probably just responding defensively to you telling him how to do what you want him to do.”
Men love to provide. The problem is often when the wife gets too into the details of how what she desires must happen. For example, if you want a fence to be added to the backyard, you can cheerfully and graciously let him know. If you do not try to control, almost all men will actually delight in providing it for you if able. Often masculinity in a wife surfaces from something like you wanted the fence – but wanted it by professionals and he wanted to do it with his friends on a few Saturdays. This is an example of relinquishing control, and enjoying all the protective blessings as a wife of doing it his way.
GREAT QUOTES
“When your husband feels secure in your opinion of him, he doesn’t have to second-guess or steel himself because he’s expecting you to pounce on him. When he knows you are on his side, he can relax and feel confident in himself.”
“For years I secretly believed I had married below myself, but I was wrong. In reality, this delusion was a convenient way for me to blame John for everything that went wrong. Perhaps you do the same thing.”
“Even the best mother is not a good father.”
“At least a few times a day, hold your tongue when you would normally speak, just to create a vacuum (a spot someone will naturally want to fill in with conversation) in the discussion.”
NEGATIVES
As for negatives, many of her descriptions of married conversation and male and female nature do not match God’s design of woman as man’s helper. She also speaks often and favorably of women with careers, has an immature description of self care, quotes buddha, thinks she can say she won’t do the dishes, and finds pornography and masturbation permissible. She seems to reject some parts of feminism for the points she gets right, but she’s still clinging to many of feminism’s lies.
CONCLUSION
I would only recommend this book to a discerning reader because there is lots of wrong ideas mixed in. Actually, reading this post was probably enough to get the good. If you did still want to read it, it is here.
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” Brendan Francis
