This post is part of a new “ASKING MOMS” series. I love hearing from other mothers who propel or inspire me. From time to time, we’ll write about a specific topic and one mother’s approach to it with her family. I love interviews so much and I’m sure hearing from these women will be fascinating! When working on the concept, I felt like more and more subjects kept coming. Please write to me if you have an idea for a topic or someone you’d like to be interviewed!
Today’s interview is Amber, mother of five. And our topic is healing from the pain of miscarriage.
What is your perspective on motherhood to your children who were with you on earth for only a short time?
Being a mother is a blessing, a gift given by God. Each child, those with us under our roof and those we had to say goodbye to, is ultimately not ours. We are not the ones who give breath and life. We are not the ones who knit them together. We are not their creator. Don’t get me wrong; we love each of our kids very much and hold them close. But we don’t own them. They are created by God, we are given the privilege of knowing and raising them up in the Lord, and then they are sent out to serve God and others.
We are grateful to be parents to each of our children, for however long the Lord gives them to us and trust that if God takes them early that He will heal our pain and give us joy once again.
For a frame of reference of where you’re speaking from, could you share with us a little about your history with miscarriage?
Over the past twelve years, I have had eight miscarriages. The earliest miscarriage I had was at four weeks and the latest was at twelve weeks. After the third miscarriage, the doctors were able to send me for more tests. Nothing was ever found to be amiss, and therefore we couldn’t “fix” anything. Although it would have been wonderful to have something I could do to stop the miscarriages, the Lord was gracious in further removing a sense of control from us. We had to turn to Him, the Giver of life and the Giver of good gifts. We had to lay aside our plans and submit to His will and trust in His purposes. We had to humbly admit and embrace our creature-ness and plead, pray, and hope in our Creator and loving Father.
Every miscarriage was heartbreaking as it is a real death of our son or daughter. We still grieve every child we didn’t meet this side of heaven. There are still moments where the grief sneaks up on us and we are hit afresh. Yet, God has never failed to be our great Comforter in our pain. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
What was sustaining you through your grief?
When the grief is new and sharp, I have trouble praying and reading and doing life in general. The Valley of Vision has helped give words for my prayers in those times. The Psalms have been an encouragement. And doing the next thing in front of me (laundry, dinner, picking up a dirty sock, shower, etc.) helps me stay connected to my husband and my family in the suffering.
One of the hardest things after a miscarriage has been attending church. Every pregnant mom, every baby cry is another loud reminder of our loss. However difficult, attending church and singing (or listening when I can’t sing) and sitting under a gospel message does shine light and hope into dark sadness. It is a reminder that God hasn’t changed. He is still good, and He is good to us. Establish a habit now of partaking of the Word, prayer, the Lord’s Supper, and the church’s discipline and care so that you can hold fast to the truth when grief threatens to overwhelm. In reality, it will not be you holding fast, it is God holding you fast.
How has miscarriage affected your mothering of your other children?
I think miscarriage has emphasized that my children are gifts, that they are not ultimately mine but the Lord’s, and that He loves them and will sovereignly care for them. I see my mothering role as a call to point them to Christ, to love them and sacrificially serve them. It is a privilege to be their mom, and to get to know their little personalities, strengths, and weaknesses.
What was one of your temptations in this trial?
One temptation was to stop trying. The pain was too much, the loss too great, the devastation too crippling. We were convicted though that for us to stop trying would be primarily an act of not trusting God and attempting to control our circumstances. And so continuing to pray, hope, and seek to have more children was an active fight against doubt.
Another temptation was to not allow ourselves to get excited or experience the joy of new life as parents. We now will share the good news with others, asking them to pray as a practical way to fight fear. There has not been a point where we have really felt relaxed as the stark reality is we could miscarry or have a stillborn child at any point in the pregnancy. We may need to bury one of my children currently sleeping upstairs someday. I don’t say this as an alarmist, pessimist, or a preparing-for-the-worst-ist. The truth is God gives life, breath and sustains each life on earth. He will not call us or any of my children home to heaven one moment before He intends as He has already written each of our days. We must believe in both His goodness and His sovereignty. Realizing we are not in control has a calming effect on our anxious, grasping hearts. We are not in control, but He is and He is trustworthy in all things even if we don’t always understand our circumstances or sufferings.
Do you have any advice for the physical difficulty?
I’ve had a few hemorrhages when miscarrying that have required medical intervention and surgery. My advice is to not hesitate if you feel like the bleeding is severe to seek care. Your body is going through a traumatic event and may need extra help to heal. Accept help, sleep, and rest as much as you can in the immediate days following. Drink lots of water.
What did others do that blessed you while you were suffering?
Miscarriage can be a silent suffering – one felt deeply by the parents and family, but the outside world can’t usually see the suffering and loss as miscarriages normally happen earlier in the pregnancy. People praying, texts, cards, cleaning, laundry, dropping food and hot coffee at the door – these were tangible ways we felt seen and cared for but not invaded while we grieved. Though not physically seen, prayer is a precious way God’s people care for each other and we know our faith and hope was encouraged during the hardest days because others were praying. Let them know you are available when they are ready to talk.
Are there any sermons, articles, songs, books, or specific scripture that were an encouragement to you in this suffering?
The Valley of Vision and Every Moment Holy Volume II: Death, Grief, & Hope are both books that have written prayers that simultaneously give words to pray and also encourage my hurting heart by lifting my eyes to Christ when the temptation is to hang my head in sadness. There are too many hymns to list, but here are the first that come to mind: “I Need Thee Every Hour,” “It is Well With My Soul” (especially knowing the story behind the hymn), “Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise,” “Our God Our Help in Ages Past,” “He Will Hold Me Fast,” and “Whate’er My God Ordains is Right.” Some scriptures are Lamentations 3:21-26, Psalm 139, Psalm 34, Psalm 73, Psalm 147:3, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14.
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This was stunning. What a thoughtful and honorable reflection about the pain and realities of miscarriage. Thank you Amber for your open heart.
Here is further reading on how do you mother with chronic pain or longterm illness?
