Dear Rachel, My husband is high functioning and wants to be at every event, where I am more of an “in the middle” person. If it was up to him we would be at multiple events a day dragging the whole family along and the kids wouldn’t have a routine. We have a rule now where I have three days notice before events and we consider them together. Is that unbiblical? When he does it he drags us to everything and we are all exhausted. He doesn’t see my point of view and how stressful it is for the other four people.
Here’s an example of how he lives and our schedules. He works out five days a week for an hour and a half, participates in three men’s ministries, signed our kids up for soccer three times a week, invites people over one to two times a week and works 11-12 hours days. He doesn’t schedule time for him and I, but does for everything else.
Sincerely,
Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
Remove the rule. Do it his way. ♥️ That you feel you can make a rule or that you must decide together if you will attend an event is a reflex from living in a feminist world, letting you believe you’re just cooperative partners. Rather, marriage is a head and a helper.
It seems you’re thinking of your husband’s desires as just one of your considerations among many. His goals are the starting place! He has a vision of being very involved in your community. Build your life around his vision. Aren’t you glad wives of great men like Martin Luther did this? Do not guilt trip him into not doing hard things. Train your children well so they can go to events. Women can be very creative once they stop the self pity. The event is not about you having fun or an easy time, but with contentment and self control, I believe you will come to like them too.
Start by meeting with him to ask for forgiveness that you have been reluctant to support him on this matter. Tell him you want to cheerfully participate in his vision for the family and you are ready to figure out how to make it go well on your and the kids’ end. Help make his dreams come true.
The schedule you shared seems like a masculine man leading a fruitful life who could accomplish much for the kingdom. Get ready and do it Mrs.! He wants to run hard. There is one day to rest, a helpful regulation from God for all, both the lazy or overworked.
He is not asking you to sin by going to lots of events, he just has a different vision for how the family spends time than what sounds good to you. I would say the same thing to a woman writing me saying her husband does not want to be a part of many social events or she thinks he doesn’t work enough. He decides! You are not the head! As Voddie Baucham puts it, “Anything with two heads is a monster.” Learn how to live happily with what he provides. I think he knows what you think because you burned through a bunch of not gentle appeals. Stop any nagging! He knows your points. You can build his trust back overtime.
If a woman won’t support her husband’s vision for his family’s life until she feels he’s considerate enough, she’s not obedient to God. Or happy.
My position is not that I know your husband has not sinned in any area, including the command to live with his wife in an understanding way. But, I know what a woman is responsible to do as God’s design not contingently. (And remember to be humble that your assessments are fallible.) I am a woman speaking only to women. Finding out if your husband is sinning by not understanding you enough is not my role, or needed. Because similarly, you managing if he should be more considerate of you is not your role.
He knows your heart has not been with him. After a good while if you show your willingness to do things his way, you could learn how to make a gentle appeal. Once he trusts you he is more likely to hear it on occasion.
If all the previous poor appeals or a new respectful appeal does not change his mind and bitterness crops up, repent of it. Then, roll up the sleeves and learn to run with him.
This post is part of the mail bag series. You can submit a question on femininity by dm on instagram or e-mailing [email protected].
