Dear Rachel, How should women stay feminine and keep up with your home appropriately in late pregnancy? I’m 34 weeks pregnant. I have almost no clothes that fit and don’t think it is prudent to buy a whole new wardrobe of cute things for just a couple more weeks. There are also lots of household chores I physically can’t do anymore (i.e. scrubbing out the bath tub, putting on the kids shoes, etc). Is it okay for those few weeks to lean on my husband more for help? We have two kids but they are only age 2 and age 1 so they do their chores as they’re able but there are still big things I need help with. Would love any and all thoughts!
Sincerely,
Third Trimester
Dear Third Trimester,
I think some of the principles of this question apply to many circumstances – a medical problem, newborn baby, husband needing to work long hours, and so on.
First, sit down and reflect on where the friction in your day (or week) specifically occurs. Getting precise beyond a general “overwhelmed” or “tired” helps significantly. If you really think, is it actually that the morning goes well, but at 4pm you have a stamina drop that converges with children wanting to talk and dinner preparation. There could be issues at multiple parts of the day, but still get specific on each of them. On your own try to imaginatively problem solve. Women are highly creative and very good at this. Often we can be merely reacting to each day, but a little reflection at a higher level can make new ideas flow more easily. You may still be trying to operate in a not third trimester (or whatever unique season) schedule! There could be something to cut from your day, a new practice to do at a certain time, or realizing just changing the time when something is done fixed a big problem.
When I have a season in “bare minimum” mode, the things I prioritize are 1) kind words and control of my mouth all day, and 2) food for people to eat and clean clothes (either myself or by delegation to able children).
For dress, I think it is most easy to look polished in all black, so I do multiples of the same flattering black pieces. All black with a feminine necklace requires little mental power to put together each day, but can look refined even in the grueling times. This may be customized for your style or coloring, but the concept is an idea.
One of the predominant considerations when “editing” for a season is what your husband values most. You may know these answers already from being a student of him and it will be easy to make choices based on this. This could be something such as, to him the house is “clean” when the kitchen island is clear. Or, he likes his work shirts ready and if those are ironed his life feels orderly. So you do those and don’t focus on folding toddler clothing inside their drawers. If you’re wearing just a bright lipstick he may think you look attractive even with no other makeup or hair styling. Or, I know my husband doesn’t like top knots so I rarely do my hair that way, even in a cozy outfit.
If you are at an impasse, or don’t know your husbands priorities, gently explain to your husband some of the limitations you’re experiencing. Perhaps give an example of how the day or week goes (unhysterically!) and where the friction point(s) occur(s). Speak sensibly, as a christian who is not without hope. Ask what you should do and what his preferences are.
If you have only very small children or a very severe limitation, you may not be able to accomplish even meals and clothing on your own. Your husband may offer to take on something, or he will otherwise let you know what the solution should be. I would not recommend entering the conversation with a narrow view of what the resolution must be (ex: he volunteers for a certain task). Resolve to try what he suggests.
Lastly, a word about the off season. I consider how smoothly my house runs in a hard time an assessment of how good I am as a homemaker all the time. Was I prepared in and out of season? Am I afraid of snow for the household? This is from Proverbs 31. Good homemakers must know how to plan.
A top tier homemaker is ready for “snow” anytime. Are there good meals in the freezer for the unforeseen? How far can I make $100 stretch? How well trained are my children to obey the sound of my voice? Do my storage systems work well for our behaviors? Can I speak kindly while in physical pain? Can the five year old fold a basket of assorted laundry? How good of a homemaker am I?
This post is part of the mail bag series. You can submit a question on femininity by dm on instagram or e-mailing [email protected].
For further reading consider this post on mothering with chronic pain or illness.
