ASKING MOMS: HOW HAVE YOU HEALED FROM MISCARRIAGE?

January 16, 2022

This post is part of a new “ASKING MOMS” series. I love hearing from other mothers who propel or inspire me. From time to time, we’ll write about a specific topic and one mother’s approach to it with her family. I love interviews so much and I’m sure hearing from these women will be fascinating! When working on the concept, I felt like more and more subjects kept coming. Please write to me if you have an idea for a topic or someone you’d like to be interviewed!

Today’s interview is Amber, mother of five. And our topic is healing from the pain of miscarriage.

What is your perspective on motherhood to your children who were with you on earth for only a short time?

Being a mother is a blessing, a gift given by God. Each child, those with us under our roof and those we had to say goodbye to, is ultimately not ours. We are not the ones who give breath and life. We are not the ones who knit them together. We are not their creator. Don’t get me wrong; we love each of our kids very much and hold them close. But we don’t own them. They are created by God, we are given the privilege of knowing and raising them up in the Lord, and then they are sent out to serve God and others.

We are grateful to be parents to each of our children, for however long the Lord gives them to us and trust that if God takes them early that He will heal our pain and give us joy once again.

For a frame of reference of where you’re speaking from, could you share with us a little about your history with miscarriage?

Over the past twelve years, I have had eight miscarriages. The earliest miscarriage I had was at four weeks and the latest was at twelve weeks. After the third miscarriage, the doctors were able to send me for more tests. Nothing was ever found to be amiss, and therefore we couldn’t “fix” anything. Although it would have been wonderful to have something I could do to stop the miscarriages, the Lord was gracious in further removing a sense of control from us. We had to turn to Him, the Giver of life and the Giver of good gifts. We had to lay aside our plans and submit to His will and trust in His purposes. We had to humbly admit and embrace our creature-ness and plead, pray, and hope in our Creator and loving Father.

Every miscarriage was heartbreaking as it is a real death of our son or daughter. We still grieve every child we didn’t meet this side of heaven. There are still moments where the grief sneaks up on us and we are hit afresh. Yet, God has never failed to be our great Comforter in our pain. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

What was sustaining you through your grief?

When the grief is new and sharp, I have trouble praying and reading and doing life in general. The Valley of Vision has helped give words for my prayers in those times. The Psalms have been an encouragement. And doing the next thing in front of me (laundry, dinner, picking up a dirty sock, shower, etc.) helps me stay connected to my husband and my family in the suffering.

One of the hardest things after a miscarriage has been attending church. Every pregnant mom, every baby cry is another loud reminder of our loss. However difficult, attending church and singing (or listening when I can’t sing) and sitting under a gospel message does shine light and hope into dark sadness. It is a reminder that God hasn’t changed. He is still good, and He is good to us. Establish a habit now of partaking of the Word, prayer, the Lord’s Supper, and the church’s discipline and care so that you can hold fast to the truth when grief threatens to overwhelm. In reality, it will not be you holding fast, it is God holding you fast.

How has miscarriage affected your mothering of your other children?

I think miscarriage has emphasized that my children are gifts, that they are not ultimately mine but the Lord’s, and that He loves them and will sovereignly care for them. I see my mothering role as a call to point them to Christ, to love them and sacrificially serve them. It is a privilege to be their mom, and to get to know their little personalities, strengths, and weaknesses.

What was one of your temptations in this trial?

One temptation was to stop trying. The pain was too much, the loss too great, the devastation too crippling. We were convicted though that for us to stop trying would be primarily an act of not trusting God and attempting to control our circumstances. And so continuing to pray, hope, and seek to have more children was an active fight against doubt.

Another temptation was to not allow ourselves to get excited or experience the joy of new life as parents. We now will share the good news with others, asking them to pray as a practical way to fight fear. There has not been a point where we have really felt relaxed as the stark reality is we could miscarry or have a stillborn child at any point in the pregnancy. We may need to bury one of my children currently sleeping upstairs someday. I don’t say this as an alarmist, pessimist, or a preparing-for-the-worst-ist. The truth is God gives life, breath and sustains each life on earth. He will not call us or any of my children home to heaven one moment before He intends as He has already written each of our days. We must believe in both His goodness and His sovereignty. Realizing we are not in control has a calming effect on our anxious, grasping hearts. We are not in control, but He is and He is trustworthy in all things even if we don’t always understand our circumstances or sufferings.

Do you have any advice for the physical difficulty?

I’ve had a few hemorrhages when miscarrying that have required medical intervention and surgery. My advice is to not hesitate if you feel like the bleeding is severe to seek care. Your body is going through a traumatic event and may need extra help to heal. Accept help, sleep, and rest as much as you can in the immediate days following. Drink lots of water.

What did others do that blessed you while you were suffering?

Miscarriage can be a silent suffering – one felt deeply by the parents and family, but the outside world can’t usually see the suffering and loss as miscarriages normally happen earlier in the pregnancy. People praying, texts, cards, cleaning, laundry, dropping food and hot coffee at the door – these were tangible ways we felt seen and cared for but not invaded while we grieved. Though not physically seen, prayer is a precious way God’s people care for each other and we know our faith and hope was encouraged during the hardest days because others were praying. Let them know you are available when they are ready to talk.

Are there any sermons, articles, songs, books, or specific scripture that were an encouragement to you in this suffering?

The Valley of Vision and Every Moment Holy Volume II: Death, Grief, & Hope are both books that have written prayers that simultaneously give words to pray and also encourage my hurting heart by lifting my eyes to Christ when the temptation is to hang my head in sadness. There are too many hymns to list, but here are the first that come to mind: “I Need Thee Every Hour,” “It is Well With My Soul” (especially knowing the story behind the hymn), “Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise,” “Our God Our Help in Ages Past,” “He Will Hold Me Fast,” and “Whate’er My God Ordains is Right.” Some scriptures are Lamentations 3:21-26, Psalm 139, Psalm 34, Psalm 73, Psalm 147:3, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14.

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This was stunning, what a thoughtful and honorable reflection about the pain and realities of miscarriage. Thank you Amber for your open heart.

Here is further reading on how do you mother with chronic pain or longterm illness?

Asking Moms: How Do You Mother with Chronic Pain or Longterm Illness?

January 11, 2022

Rachel Schultz

Today’s interview is Jenny, mother of four, and grandmother of three.

And our topic is motherhood with chronic pain or longterm illness.

How do you find strength to serve when you are in pain?

One phrase that really helped me day to day, when the kids were young and pain was high was, “just do the next thing.” Don’t get stressed about all you haven’t gotten to. Just do the next thing! Also, I pray for strength and grace for each new day! Being content also gives me strength. If I let myself compare my situation with other moms who don’t struggle with pain, then I am robbed of my joy! Comparison steals joy! And the joy of the LORD is my strength!

For our frame of reference, can you tell us a little about what your personal physical limitations are?

I have always struggled with back pain. It probably stems from me being the bottom girl in the human pyramid for cheerleading in high school! Things came to a head after the birth of our fourth child. Somehow I ended up with disc material lodged in my spinal column. This resulted in my need for back surgery. After successful surgery, I was put on a three month bed rest. I had four children, eight years old and younger, with my youngest being six months old. I had days filled with pain. This led to physical restrictions for me. I struggled with sciatic nerve pain each day! It was brutal. I started seeing a chiropracter ten years ago and things have slowly gotten better for me. I am still not able to lift heavy things. And I struggle to sit on the floor. But things are MUCH better. There are a lot of basic things I don’t do anymore. Simply because I know I will pay for it later in back pain.

What do you prioritize most with your husband and children even when you feel bad?

Relationships are my priority! I have learned to maintain a good relationship with my husband and kids even when I am in pain. Good, rich conversations are key to helping them know I am “ok” even though I am in pain. I lay out on the couch or I stand in the kitchen and try to be a part of their day. Also, making sure my family has a good meal to eat and clean clothes are right up there in importance.

What perspectives help you with the frustration of your desire to work being stronger than your physical ability?

God is sovereign over my physical limitations. God has allowed this physical weakness for a reason. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. This keeps me very reliant on God and keeps me humble.

What are some of your practical tips?

Lay down during your children’s rest times. Train your children to be able to play on their own. You must have a well run ship for things to function well when you are out of commission. Set up good boundaries for your kids. Avoid the temptation to stick your children in front of a screen when you are in pain. And also avoid escaping into the internet yourself when things are rough. Listen to books on tape together. Listen to Adventure in Odyssey or Lamplighter stories together. Try to be with your children as much as possible. But also train your kids to work and function on their own when possible. We instilled in them the mindset of “Team Gallo.” We are in this together and we need to help each other through it! Cook simply. Make food that has lots of leftovers, like soup! Promote kids helping in the kitchen. Remember that God is using your pain or limitation in your children’s lives also. It can be a tool for growth in your kids and a way of instilling compassion for others. Serving and working hard are wonderful gifts for you to give your kids.

How do you make decisions about pushing yourself versus not making things worse by overexerting?

My husband is my main help in this area. He knows me the best and knows if I should push myself. He is a wonderful encouragement to me. I am so thankful for a wise husband that helps me make decisions about how I serve and use my gifts in the body of Christ. Sometimes I can’t serve others, only my family. It does give me great joy to serve though. Knowing my limitations is crucial. I always prioritize my family; they come first. I have made mistakes in this area before and learned the hard way that I shouldn’t overdo to the point where I can’t be a good wife and mother. I would recommend serving in simple ways, like praying for others, making easy meals for new moms, listening to others in need of a friend. And in the end, if God wants me to serve others, God will give me the strength to do it, moment by moment. Now when my grandkids are involved, I always push myself! One other comment, if it is for others and my pride is involved, then I try not to push myself. Because I know my motive is pride and that is never a good motive!

Are there any sermons, articles, songs, books, or specific scripture that are an encouragement to you in this suffering?

Scripture, scripture! It is key! Philippians 4:6-7, Psalm 73:26, Psalm 121:1-8. Also hymns of faith, Christian music, listening to scripture audio, and reading stories of heroic missionaries risking all for the gospel! Some great ones are Green Leaf in Drought by Isobel Kuhn, In God’s Underground by Richard Wurmbrand, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael by Elisabeth Elliot, Through Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot, Peace Child by Don Richardson, and Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Deibler Rose, just to name a few.

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I loved reading Jenny’s inspiring, beautiful thoughts and many points were jewels of wisdom for even those without longterm physical afflictions! Thank you Jenny.

IDEAS FOR LONG ROAD TRIPS WITH CHILDREN

December 29, 2021

Rachel Schultz

Although admittedly not the most travel ambitious person, there is a desire and love for a classic family vacation. This post is ideas for car rides to help them go smoothly and even be special. I love the memories, bonding, and different versions of restfulness vacations bring, not often captured in the same way by anything else. Flying is a treat, but sometimes the car ride can be better in its own nostalgic way. And also not having to rent a vehicle when you get there!

Before I even start, also consider an iphone tripod to get your great family photos on trips. I don’t bother to bring a DSLR even on big vacations anymore because I’m so satisfied with what you can get on a phone.

ACTIVITIES LIBRARY

I like to put together a bin of activities that kids can “check out” items from – the activities library. I usually announce everyone can pick something from the library and then that is each person’s thing for a while, usually like one to two hours. (Although that time is for a really long trip, so the increments would be relative. I would do maybe only 30 minutes for an eight hour journey.) It’s roughly a one in and one out system. It helps people play with things more deeply and for longer. They trade and play together so it’s a little dynamic, but it puts some structure around requests and entertainment questions.

These are some of my favorite activities library items. Some in theory good ones, like melissa and doug’s reusable sticker books, I don’t really like for this (although honestly don’t love at home either) because there’s too many tiny pieces. So I skew toward favoring not having lots of little parts.

Side note, a super power I wish I had is reading in the car without getting sick, so straight are sadly kind of absent from my car life list! If you have said super power, go forth on behalf of all of us!

SNACK BIN

I also allow a choice from the snack bin at intermittent times. This and the activity library goes with my overall observation for car rides that self imposed structure and little milestones (for adults or children) help the time go well and not blow through options. For the fun of personal agency, I sometimes at a check point will let them choose between either a snack or activity.

MY FRIEND, BOREDOM

Good old fashioned boredom, it’s good for them. We rightly cushion ourselves from some discomfort in life. (Everything else in this post is kind of all about that.) And still we like our kids to experience the toughness. It goes back to the concept – out of difficulty comes innovation. And when the kids are bored if you let them find their way through it they end up creatively relating with each other and coming up with imaginative things to do.

One thing you may notice or deduce is that we don’t really do movies and shows during car rides. It’s just our preference for how the trip feels; we certainly watch movies together other times. Maybe it’s harder in a sense, but we have observed we feel more connected (to each other) and engaged (in the surroundings) which we like. Sometimes we prefer to not shield our kids from tedious situations with electronics.

STOPS AREN’T REALLY FOR EATING

It whittles at the trip length from both ends because the stops are shorter and eating is an activity to do to help time pass inside of the car that is progressing, in motion down the road instead of parked while we eat! If we do eat at a stop it’s usually somewhere special that we want to stop slowly, for enjoyment – not utilitarian eating. I mostly do different types of sandwiches, pre-made at home maybe to save money but also for higher quality than road food. If I feel strong, I’ll consider doing a pasta salad but that includes dealing with bowls and forks.

EXERCISE AT STOPS

While the gas is filling, since we are not eating, what we are doing is bathrooms and dad runs some exercise drills that are fun, feel good for everyone, and help with behavior. Do you know about these family exercise idea cards that use just body weight?

DRY ERASE BOARD

I bring a little white board and write messages or draw pictures and hold them up from time to time for the kids. They are so excited to notice when a new one is up. And it just adds playfulness to the spirit of the car. This is partly born out of that I so dislike shouting to the back of the van to struggle-communicate. Examples of messages on the board are things like: “10 minutes until pb and strawberry jelly lunch” or just pep things, like the order of the next states we are passing through or a little drawing of the city we are in.

SWIM AT THE HOTEL

If the trip is long enough that it is multi-day and we stop at a standard hotel before getting to our main destination, we definitely try to swim in the pool for a while. It feels like a quintessential vacation thing to swim in hotel pools and it gives their bodies some good work to do after sitting.

CONDENSED BAGS FOR SHORT OVERNIGHT STOPS

As above, if there are multiple short overnight stops on the way to continuing on, we like having a more quick essentials bag packed that we can easily grab and take in for everyone instead of unpacking the full lineup of bags from the car.

ANIMAL TOY TRADING

These little japanese rubber animal figurines are one of mom’s other intermittent tricks to pass out to people. Sometimes I hand a few out at a new state line, or just when we need another infusion of something. Children like collecting, playing with, and trading them.

GLOW STICKS ONCE IT’S DARK

In the time when it’s dark before we move into “car bedtime” I pass out a glow stick to everyone. Sometimes we put on a playlist and have a dance party with them, but even when we don’t do that, glow sticks have that way of captivating a child just on their own.

SNACKS THAT DON’T COMPOUND THE ISSUE

I am not a health nut in normal life, but I have come to be pretty faithful to healthy eating for long car rides. After being in the car for so long, you feel gross in general. So though still a lifelong sweets lover, I only eat light stuff on a long road trip and it is much better for already feeling so extreme-sedentary. It improves mood by a lot and I think it makes a difference in kids too. Some of our favorites are: cucumbers, carrots, grapes, apples, rice cakes, dried fruit, clif bars, popcorners, and goldfish.

A WORD ON BATHROOMS

Some people seem to really like for young children bringing a potty-training potty for inside the van (this is our not ugly one we use at home because I’m allergic to garish kid things) and putting in a liner (plastic grocery bag or a diaper as the liner) so people can go in the car. I find just limiting drinks makes bathroom breaks pretty much fine and about equal with needing to fill the car with gas. So, I skip this but am informing of an option!

VISUALIZATION OF PROGRESS

Kind of like how many planes have an electronic version of this for international flights now, stretch a piece of painters’ tape across the roof of the van and write cities or states you’re traveling through. Move a taped object (or picture of your car) along the line as you progress.

FOOT RESTS

Everyone sleeps more easily when they’re comfortable. I think children fall asleep better in the car when their feet aren’t dangling. This usually works out easily because the van is packed and suitcases et cetera are the foot rests. I still can’t sleep in the car, BUT this has become my favorite thing to be much more comfortable. I have a plastic tub I put at my feet that is level with the passenger seat which makes you feel cozy. And inside the tub is where I store all my mom supplies mentioned throughout this post and other things I like to have available (ex: wipes, trash bags, paper towel, tissues).

COOKIES IN THE SHAPE OF EACH STATE

A little indulgent (and is counter acting the mostly health snacking point above) but with these cookie cutters you can make a cookie for everyone in the shape of each state, to be passed out at each state line. Wait I’m realizing you could do CHEESE slices which I actually like way better in several ways.

CELEBRATE STATE LINES

And as a continuation of the previous, celebrate each state line! Honk and cheer and it adds to the festive-ness of the whole big, magnificent, memorable endeavor.